I had been so focused on the flaws of others that, I never really analyzed my own.
One evening, as I sat outside, on a park bench, in a spot, where the wind swept through.
When I realized that it was never a question of price but, of cost, I dropped to my knees. the fact that I had eagerly paid for an abundance of negativity that nearly cost me my essence, tarnishing my conscience and hindering my empathetic growth.
“if life is full of repetitions, of failures, and regrets, I asked the wind, what’s the point in living? and the wind answered; to regret and fail wonderfully!”
Did I overpay the price of a resentful ego and in her death suffer the catastrophic cost of running out of time? to ask for forgiveness and say, I Love You with all my heart?
In my childhood, I formed a damaging resentment towards my heartbeat, towards the woman who played the melodic sounds of my beginnings. I grew into a woman still clutching that childhood belief, believing that the woman who gave me life was cruel, the reason for my lack of love, nor for the needless thought, that I wasn’t loved.
In my today, I only hold on to one question; if I wrongfully accused and blamed her for being a bad mother for the majority of my life, I now question; was it me then, who was the horrible daughter?
Did I only focus on her flaws without being curious as to understand her why’s?
If I return to the place where the winds sweep through, will I find the answers, in the Whisper of the winds?
In all my pondering of all things Mom, I have understood that, If I must fail & regret Wonderful, then I must don on my armor and enter the field with tenacity, for my Spirit and Soul to battle Beautifully and with The knowing that I did indeed love my mom. I loved her in the center of my core, just not in my thoughts – the thoughts, the true enemy of me are those damn thoughts!
In sitting with self, on the corner of the park bench, listening the the soft whispers of the wind, I displaced myself from my self, and learned to focus on my me before I can ever look at your you.
To answer my own question; Yes, Life is worth living, during both the chaos and the calm.
This is a price that I am willing to pay, at all cost!
Magically Orgasmic 